Black Intel

by Nicole Williams

I was lurking around Facebook the other day and this guy I went to high school with popped up in the “suggestions” area on the home page. I noticed that his name is hyphenated and it threw me for a loop. Further investigation led me to see that he’s listed as “engaged” to a girl whose last name matches the name he added to his own. As the frown appeared on my face, the thought of a man taking MY name in marriage disgusted me. The Nicole inside my head couldn’t call him a punk fast enough.

But why? What’s wrong with a man taking his intended wife’s name in marriage? Plenty.

Names are significant. What you call someone expresses endearment, ire, esteem, contempt etc. Because of this, I am not a fan of nicknames or the diminutive form of most names. (i.e. Nikki for Nicole, Billy for William, etc.) I like the identity that my whole name encompasses.

When a woman gets married, she takes the last name of her husband to align herself with him as a means of protection. Though taking the groom’s name is a matter of tradition now, there was a time when a woman had to have her husband’s name in order to be legally entitled to his assets in the event of his death. Using the man’s last name establishes him as the head of the household. Surely it is possible for a woman to be quite established on her own (think: Oprah) and such a woman may choose to hyphenate her last name to maintain the identity connected to those assets separate from her husband’s. All of this makes sense to me.

Why would a man want to hyphenate his name? As “progressive” as it may be, it is emasculating for a man to take a woman’s name in any form. It basically says that he isn’t about anything and/or he’s not the head of his household. He might as well polish his nails and birth the babies. Taking a woman’s name dishonors that man’s father. My dad would be pissed if I had a fiancé who thought he was going to take my name. But my dad is the least of that dude’s worries. The women in my family would rip him to shreds.

Challenging this dude’s masculinity exposes a double standard, I know. however, just like some stereotypes are rooted in truth, some double standards are just ok. There are definitely some things that a woman can and should not do, like play football, propose marriage, and take out the trash. Similarly, there are ways a man establishes dominance that separates him from a woman. Call me old fashioned. I never claim to be a feminist.

When I marry, I am taking my husband’s name. He cannot have mine. I’m anxious to know how you all feel.